I wish we’d go back to the old-fashioned panty lines, you know, the ones under each cheek. I don’t think they were any worse than these new ones that I see all the time on the rear ends of the women who wear thongs.

Wait, weren’t thongs supposed to eliminate panty lines? No longer just for pole-dancing strippers, they are a way for women to get rid of those hideous, outrageous, horrible indicators that we wear underwear? How come men go around sagging their pants showing their boxers, and we have to wear hiney floss?

A couple of my friends started bought thongs right away and tried to convince me to. “No panty lines!” “You’ll get used to it!” So I got a thong to wear under a slinky dress for a dance. I was miserable. You know that feeling when the elastic in your granny panties starts to wear out and they don’t want to stay at the bottom of your bottom? The thong was worse. It was like stagecoach bandits – they ride up behind you and wipe you out.

Not only do the thong lines show, some women like to reveal their “whale tail” above their pants on purpose. When I see a whale’s tail I have to wonder – are the women doing it to be sexy, to excite guys, because it takes ZERO effort to turn a guy on. Their default state is like a shaken can of Pepsi – they’re always ready to spew.

Don’t believe me? Ray Romano, the comedian, has a whole routine about one of his fantasies while he’s taking a shower. One morning he saw a woman in a grocery store parking lot, and she bent down to pick up something. That’s all it took. A woman in the distance bends over and that evening he’s in the shower popping the top off his Pepsi! If you think you need a whale’s tail to attract a guy, you don’t understand men. It’s more of a challenge to keep them at arms length. Ask any married woman.

For those of you who have gotten used to thongs, don’t fool yourself – you still have panty lines, just in a different place. As for me, I’d rather go commando and not be in pain.

My apologies for planting THAT image in your head.