Gentle Humor

Suzanne Olsen's Humor Blog – I don't offend some of the people most of the time

Category: Entertainment

The Girl and the Piñata

I was at the high school tutoring in the second floor library on a warm, sunny day so the windows were open. I could hear a commotion coming from outside, and when I looked out, I saw a class full of students in a half-circle yelling at a blindfolded girl who held a stick and stood in front of a piñata hanging from a tree.

I could understand the class being outside and soaking up some rare Oregon rays, but I couldn’t figure out the piñata. What did that have to do with economics or health? Maybe it was Spanish class, but it wasn’t even Cinco de Mayo, which I’ve been told means “put the empty mayonnaise jar in the sink.”

The class was trying to get the girl to hit the piñata, but she was being timid and wouldn’t even give the stick a full swing – she’d go halfway and lose her nerve. I suppose if you are worried about messing up, then you’d have a reason to hold back. However, this crowd was lusting for piñata guts and they got louder by the second.

Soon everyone in the Library was craning their necks to see out of those  windows that you only see in schools – the ones with the latch that makes that suction-releasing sound when you undo it. They pull inwardly, so it’s a hindrance to looking down. We all leaned way over, standing on tiptoes. 

The crowd below was losing patience with the girl. “TAKE ONE STEP FORWARD! NO IN FRONT OF YOU! NOW SWING! SWING NOW! SWING THE DAMN THING, SWING REALLY HARD!

I couldn’t understand why she was so cautious. Even if the stick would have, by some miracle, made contact with the piñata, she would have been practically petting it with her mousy swing, rather than whacking it. She finally gave in to the mob and swung with all her might, and missed. She turned and faced the crowd with the stick raised high over her head. Kids scattered like cockroaches as she swung down and hit the ground SMACK!

NO TURN TO YOUR RIGHT! NO, YOUR OTHER RIGHT! NOW HIT! HIT HARD RIGHT NOW! YOU CAN’T MISS! They were wrong. She could miss, and did, but she got the scent and was going for blood. Her next slash broke right across the little pink and orange pony’s back. It didn’t break, but it looked like an old grey mare with a U-shaped bow in it’s back.

Giddy with success, she commenced to whack like someone trying to drive a nail with a giant hammer. Even though she made many connections, the pony danced on the string, trying to avoid the assault. She finally delivered a solid deathblow that severed it right in two, and it spewed out cheap hard candy like a waterfall.

The crowd cheered, then these teen-age kids dived onto the grass like they were trying to catch a low-thrown frisbee. They piled up on the girl at ground zero and raked in what they could. Some of the more dignified students waited until the others got up to try to get their fair share, but their delay left them empty handed.

With the show over, we spectators in the Library went back to our seats, shaking our heads. What was the lesson those kids learned? The social dynamics of mob rule? That nice guys finish last? They certainly learned that hard candy, even if it’s ancient and has a squishy, sticky outer layer that causes the wrapper to bind like it’s duct taped, the candy is all that much sweeter when you get it avoiding class.

Facebook Scares Me

Facebook scares me. I don’t log on very often because there is too much junk to wade through, but Facebook lets me know when someone posts a picture with me in it. I dare not log in when I have things to do because I get sucked in to the black hole of all those millions of posts.

As I scroll through the darling pictures of people’s kids and grandkids, dinners they just had, people having fun in the tropics, there are several posts that will say something like: THANK GOODNESS WE HAVE TRUMP IN THE WHITE HOUSE TO CLEEN UP THE SCUM FROM THE PREVIUS ADMINISTATION. All caps, misspelled words and giant type to make sure they get the message through.

It’s always the same people, and they’ll all against similar things. And their friends are the same ones who comment on each other’s posts, egging them on. They seem like they’re poking hard at their keyboards, like it’s the eyes of the politician they hate at the moment – I picture them like the Three Stooges poking at each other’s eyes when they were mad, with the receiving Stooge trying to block by putting his hand up sideways. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I just went to YouTube to find a clip. There’s a block about 45 seconds in. 

There’s a picture of this scary-looking structure with a caption: “First completed section of President Trump’s wall. It’s beautiful.” And another, “Seems clear to me – Mueller quit digging when all his tunnels led to Obama and Hilary.” These aren’t really that mean, but I can’t bring myself to put those other quotes on here. They’re way beyond politically incorrect – down right hateful.

Tried to find some mean quotes from the left but gave up. Here’s something else scary I found, though: A picture of a muscled, tattooed man with the caption: ‘Love hot #romance? Get your hands on Bear Whiskey for only $1.99 in ebook format for limited time!” I’m not familiar with these books but the guy probably appeals to some – if you like those mountainous, glossy muscles covered in tattoos. Not really my favorite look on a guy. You know what my fantasy man looks like? He’s average size, no six-pack but no gut either, no defined muscles but looks healthy, like he could fight off a mugger if he needed to, absolutely no ink on his skin anywhere, he’s shirtless, wearing only faded cutoffs that are just on his hips, not way low so he has to shave his hairy parts down there, and not way high like a Speedo. Hmmmmmm.

Oops, lost my train of thought. While I was looking for spite from the left, I got a smile out of some of the videos of really cute animals.

I also found this video that I really liked – you may have seen it already because it’s probably made the rounds, but it’s worth watching again.

Now I think I’ve done enough work for this day, I’m going back to YouTube to watch crazy dog and cat videos. My favorite! Enjoy!!

Fighting Hummingbirds

The hummingbirds are fighting at my feeder again. They fight all day long. I’ve discovered that there’s always a bully, and his sole purpose in life is to keep others from taking a drink from his feeder. If another hummingbird zips up and tries to get just a drop of liquid sugar, the bully swoops in, attacks, and chases him back to where he came from, and sometimes chases him all over the place. Selfish little buggers. 

Sometimes while the bully is driving another one off, a third hummingbird zooms in and gulps a sip. Instantaneously the bully knows and darts back to defend his feeder, chasing the third one off. Then they all leave for a few minutes, until it starts over again. Aggressive little brats.

Hummingbirds snatching a drink outside my kitchen window

I have the feeder outside the kitchen window, about six feet from my front door. I can see the bully lying in wait in a bush a few feet away. He’s on the alert, policing his territory. Sometimes when I go outside it feels like he’s attacking me. For something so small, his wings make a lot of disturbing noise, especially when they’re right by my head. The sound is something like a freight train coming straight at me, with the volume turned down slightly. I worry he’ll drive that long, pointed beak right into my temple. I have to crouch when I walk by the front of my house. I know good and well he’s doing it on purpose. Spiteful little creatures.

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Why Green Book deserved the Oscar

This post isn’t funny, but the movie is so that’s how I’m justifying this little dab of serious writing.

I can’t understand why people are having such a hissy fit over Green Book winning as Best Picture. I know the Oscar usually goes to a film that is stylistically different, so different, in fact, that common movie-goers like you and me leave the theater scratching our heads, wondering what the heck the movie was about. 

People denounced Green Book’s win, saying it was nothing more than a buddy movie. Oh, please. Yeah it’s about two guys from totally different backgrounds who, over the course of many amusing and dramatic experiences, come to accept and respect each other. But it’s definitely not “The Hangover.”

You’ve got a white man who chauffeurs a black man around the segregated south in the early 1960’s for three months. Where’s the humor? It’s in the characters – the white man is a street-wise, New York Italian nightclub bouncer, Tony, who talks like a gangsta with his mouth crammed full of Kentucky Fried Chicken, throws the bones out the window, doing and saying things that make us laugh though he’s not trying to be funny. A family man who loves his wife so much that he writes these just awful letters to her. When he’s approached by real mob types who offer him big money to work for them, he says no. So un-stereo-typical that it makes Tony intriguing on a much broader level than stoner, drunken buddies who get in outrageous situations designed for comedy.

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My First Square Dance

Square Dancer

When my girlfriend Kerry emailed asking if I wanted to sign up for square dance lessons with her, I thought, “Not no but hell no!” I’d never seen square dancers in person, but the ones on TV are rather, well, square. I pictured them just like you’re probably doing right now, and nowhere did that image fit in my idea of a good time. But I like Kerry and I decided, what the hey? We’ve been going for the last several weeks, having fun tripping over our own feet. Last night was something different, though – a real dance away from our familiar surroundings.

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Beer Bottle Billie Jean

I’d never seen anything like this video, and as I was watching I wondered how these guys came up with using beer bottles to make a song. The following scene unfolded in my head as if I’d been there with them.

Disclaimer: This is all made up. I don’t know these guys or anything about them. I have made all of this up. None of this is true.

It’s a Sunday morning. A bunch of fraternity boys like the ones in Animal House are sprawled like rag dolls on couches and chairs, empty beer bottles everywhere. The one who doesn’t get hangovers is awake. The remote control is too far away, so he starts blowing into an empty bottle to entertain himself.

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Copyright © 2019 by Suzanne Olsen