A Day at the Driving Range

Today I went to the driving range to practice golf for an hour and a half, and oh the things I saw.

One young girl must have been dropped off by her parents for a lesson. As soon as the pro got done with her, she hit three or four balls that barely cleared the mat she was standing on and then sat down on a nearby bench and started texting. I found it curious that someone at the driving range, after forking over $75+ for a private golf lesson, would spend her time holding a cell phone rather than a golf club. She sat on a bench for an hour without taking another swing, and then ambled away, walking like a zombie staring down at the phone in her hand.

Then I noticed a guy sitting on a far away bench talking on his phone. I thought he was waiting for his golf partner to show up or something. All of a sudden he broke into a country music song. He wasn’t just singing to himself, he was belting out soulful lyrics like, “You left me all alone, now all I’ve got’s a cell phone” or some such.

While this Kenny Chesney wannabe was belting the song out to a cell phone, none of us on the driving range said anything, but I was getting pretty irritated, and not just because my balls were going everywhere except where I aimed them. The guy’s voice wasn’t bad, but I dislike country music. And that didn’t annoy me as much as the idea that he was singing to a cell phone. Who was on the other end?

It went on for over a half hour, and I’m not exaggerating. I don’t know if he was singing the same song or what – it all sounds the same to me. As much as the noise was distracting, I was more preoccupied thinking of WHO he was singing to, and WHY. Someone who dumped him? But if she dumped him, she surely wouldn’t stay on the phone all that time listening to him wailing out his sorrows. Maybe he was really some country music star and had just written some songs for a new CD and was singing it over the cell phone so his record company could get the musicians lined up to make a new record. I mean, what on earth would possess an adult male to sit on a golf course bench and sing at the top of his lungs?

But the oddest thing I saw  was a guy on the golf course riding one of those Seqway’s. It’s a one-person vehicle that seems to be built for people who prefer to keep their calories stored up around their belly rather than burning them off walking. This man on the golf course was standing on the unit, his belly hanging over the handle, rolling up to his golf ball while the other three guys he was playing with were walking, and not anywhere close to him, I might add. Why couldn’t he just use a golf cart?

I’m starting to sound like a curmudgeon who resents new-fangled gadgets that detract from the established way of doing things. Well, so what! I think idiots should leave their cell phones, Segways, and nasal country voices at home when they come to the golf course. Where is the decorum these days?

If God had wanted us to behave this way, he would have given us a Bluetooth for an ear and wheels instead of legs.

Here’s the lyric I’m going to sing next time these people start annoying me – sung in a whining voice like all country songs:

If you came here to play

Put your cell phone away

How can you sit there and sing?

When it’s messin’ with my swing?

You ridin’ that Segway’s just showin’ off

That you ain’t go no damn business playin’ golf

Chorus:

If I have to plant my club in your head

Give you a lump that turns all red

To make you straighten up and act right

Then I’m just itchin’ to start that fight.