Suzanne Olsen's Humor Blog - I don't offend some of the people most of the time

Tag: computer humor

Beware Email Scammers

“Hello, this account is infected.” This is what my latest email scammer is telling me. He’s hacked my computer and knows that I’ve been watching porn, and he’s going to let all my contacts know about it – unless, of course, I send him $1,000. In Bitcoin, no less. As if I knew how to use Bitcoin.

I know it’s a scam because I haven’t been watching porn, but I’m sure this guy sends his blackmail to millions of people, and some of them are bound to have been indulging in a little afternoon delight with their computer. I can just picture their panic when they see this email. “Oh crap, if my mom finds out, I’m a goner. Where am I going to get $1,000? Don’t they know I’m fifty-five and still live at home? I don’t have that kind of money.”

One of several of these kinds of emails extorting money

This particular scam is scary because it shows your own email address as the person who sent it. Wow, how do they do that? I asked Google, who sent me to the FTC, which said: “This is a criminal extortion attempt to separate people from their money. If you — or someone you know — gets a letter like this, report it immediately to your local police, and the FBI.” Another site explained in techno mumbo-jumbo how scammers mimic your own email address, but they really haven’t hacked your account. Their advice? Change your password and don’t worry. Just ignore it. 

Okay, I won’t worry, but it really makes me want to do something vicious to these hackers, like locking them in an air-tight room with old-west cowboys who’ve eaten nothing but beans for the past six months. Or strapping them into the passenger seat of a car with a driver who uses the gas pedal and brake at the same time – jerk the jerk, as it were. These people deserve to be tormented in very psychologically annoying ways.

Quit Moving Stuff Around on the Internet

Why do they keep moving things around on the internet? Google is the worst. I love Google, but right now they are acting like some neurotic housewife who keeps rearranging the furniture. You come home from a hard day’s work and all you want to do is sling off your shoes and sink into your favorite chair, except it’s not there anymore.

Figuratively speaking, of course. I post this blog in a few places, and one is on Blogger, which is Google’s blog host site thingy. So just now I went to log in to Blogger and couldn’t find it even though I searched high and low – I looked under the beds, behind the sofa, in the kitchen cabinets. It wasn’t there. Figuratively speaking.

When I log into my Google account, I usually just click on “Account Settings” and that gets me to Blogger. But when I did that tonight, this page came up that looked totally different. I looked all through it for the word “Blogger” and couldn’t find it. “Now where did Google hide my Blogger?” I asked myself, out loud, because I sit and talk to myself all day and night. Sometimes I get hoarse from all that jabbering.

I started clicking on other things in a logical fashion – I clicked on Sites because my blog is on a “site” but only found a website I’d been to a while ago – not sure how it even got there. It’s like when your husband puts a kitchen utensil in the wrong drawer. You look everywhere, cursing about what a waste of time it is, and finally find it in somewhere completely illogical, wondering what possessed him since you would NEVER think to look for it there.

I kept hunting for Blogger, determined to give it the same effort I would devote to finding a missing earring or some other treasure. I clicked a tab that said “More” and a whole list of things dropped down, reminding me of a thief opening his coat to show you a bunch of watches rolling out from the lining. “Aha” I said, out loud, when I saw the word “Blogs.” I clicked on that and got…..nothing. “Holy crap,” I grumbled. “Where in the  hell did Google hide my fricking blog?”

This is how I talk to myself when I get frustrated – like a crazy woman wringing her hands, desperate to find relief when none is in site. Then I noticed a link called “Reader” and clicked it. A whole accordion of articles popped up, one after the other. One had stick figure cartoon drawings talking to each other in such a sophisticated, humorous way that I didn’t get a single joke. A plethora of articles, recipes and advertisements were hiding under that one link like beetles under a rock.

But no Blogger. Finally when I saw a link that said, “Even more,” I got a little excited because there really wasn’t anywhere else at all for Blogger to be except there. When I clicked the link I came to a whole ‘nother long page full of text and icons. Holding my breath, I scrolled down, and there, buried as if under a pile of dirty clothes, was Blogger. Phew – I was so glad but so freaking irritated with Google for hiding it there.

Good friggin’ grief. Would you computer people just get things arranged somehow and then LEAVE IT ALONE. JUST LEAVE IT ALONE!  For a little while, anyway, or else you’re going to send me completely over the edge.

And I don’t have that far to go…

Copyright © 2021 by Suzanne Olsen