I get a lot of funny jokes in emails from my friends and relatives. I'm going to start adding them here just for kicks. I'll add the newest ones at the top. None of these jokes are crude, but I have to warn you that some are a little more risque than my articles, so read them at your own risk. Don't worry, you won't be too offended! (I hope). Enjoy!
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde from Alabama arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down... and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers...picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
Moral ---not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men......are men.
The Cardiologist's Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynecologist." Just then, the proctologist fainted.
The Barracks Door
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally hear, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line with the lady that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"
The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no, I didn't. But I did see a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerges from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stands a drop-dead gorgeous Irish blonde! The glamorous Irish blonde strides up to the stunned Irishman and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years," replies the amazed Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulls out a fresh package of hand-rolled Cuban cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah, "says the man, "That is so good; I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asks the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask and takes a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" says the Irishman. ''Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde starts to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looks at the trembling man and asks, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman falls to his knees and sobs, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too?
His and Her Diaries
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year!"There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.
An Old Man in a Nursing Home
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences. The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas." But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."